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Sage Sundi (Meme)

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Sage Sundi is Square-Enix's Online Global Producer for Final Fantasy XI. He is a prominent figure in the community of FFXI specifically because he is the "go-to" guy for press and private interviews concerning the game. Sundi himself is an enigmatic figure and little about his personal life is actually known, but some facts about him have been gleaned by adoring fans poring over transcripts and photographs.

  • Sage Sundi is trained as a classical pianist and was set to go on a world tour when he suffered embarrassment at his debut concert in Carnegie Hall. He experienced a memory lapse emblematic of his personality during the cadenza of Rachmaninoff's third piano concerto. The mortified Sundi found that he could not remember the rest of the piece and left the stage in shame. Commenting on the subsequent cancellation of the rest of his tour, Sundi said that he would "take the problem back to Japan [with him]."
  • During a fan festival for FFXI held in Tokyo, Sage Sundi was scheduled speak at a Q&A panel. After a morning of erratic behaviour, a shockingly disheveled Sundi limped on stage dragging the twitching carcass of a recently downed Siberian Reindeer. He threw the corpse onto the panelist's table and sat down, asking for questions. He refused to answer any questions regarding the reindeer and bit a convention worker on the shoulder blade when she attempted to move the carcass off the table.
  • At his first media appearance, Sundi violently assaulted a reporter who took his picture with a standard film camera, screaming in the native tongue of the Australlian aboriginal tribes. Translators revealed in 2007 that the confused Sundi mistook the camera for a soul trapping device, and thus the new FFXI event Pankration was born.
  • Contrary to popular belief, Sage Sundi does not own a Ferrari. He drives a Ford Pinto that runs on the negative energy created by the agony experienced by all the people he has wronged. Coincidentally, Sundi's Pinto broke the land speed record in October of 2004, coinciding with the release date of the Chains of Promathia expansion pack.
  • After a protracted fist fight with former Blue Gartr member Ondori in a 2005 interview, Sundi lost his ability to form short term memories. He now carries around a Polaroid camera and can sometimes be seen writing on pictures he takes of people or things. It is rumored that the first picture he took was of the very nemesis who caused his condition, writing on the back, "Ondori. Do not believe his lies."
  • Sundi has had numerous bouts with cancer. He keeps to himself about his condition, but people around him claim that he beat the cancer multiple times by "refusing to acknowledge its existence."
  • A common misconception by the larger community is that Sundi often answers interview questions with the word "wut." The sound Sundi makes is actually a nervous tic in which his throat spasms violently if he attempts to tell a lie, producing involuntary guttural throat noises. This has earned him a nick name around the Square-Enix offices, "Honest Sage."
  • Sage Sundi once discovered the secret to the universe, including the key to intergalactic travel at speeds faster than light and the origin of the universe, but he forgot it.
  • During a banquet for Square-Enix employees, a ravenous Sundi once devoured four whole roast pigs. When informed that there were no more pigs being prepared, he slapped the waitress across the face and proceeded to attempt to copulate with a bottle of wine in an attempt to mock the young woman, ending in an embarrassing trip to the ER.
  • A common mistranslation of a quote attributed to Sundi has circulated the FFXI community, in which it is wrongly suggested that he thought the armor set for GMs should be "red like ferrari." Numerous translators agree that the proper translation of Sundi's comment is: "When we had the meeting--the meeting about GM design--I wanted to make sure that the GMs were easily recognizable by players. So I said that they should be red like my wife's bloodshot eyes when we make love. Now initially--I know, I know--initially, the guys were skeptical. When they saw the photos they were pretty convinced." The comment is rather strange as Sundi is not married, but insiders have suggested that Sundi has often been seen carrying freshly strangled American bald eagles around the office under his arm, referring to them as "Tsuma-chan."
  • Sundi was once arrested for standing in the middle of a busy intersection in downtown Tokyo wearing a Sailor Moon outfit, claiming to be descendant from an ancient race of Moon peoples, sworn to fight evil throughout the universe. Sundi has only commented on the incident once, fervently denying the charge. Quote: "Wut such a thing never took place wut I don't know where you heard wut that, but it is absurd wut."
  • It has been rumored that pop star Britney Spears' much publicized "head shaving incident" was actually a gesture of solidarity with Sundi after learning about his tragic memory lapse involving a question regarding Absolute Virtue.
  • Sundi once traveled back in time to the time of Jesus Christ. The Bible records this incident in the book of Matthew as the "three temptations of Jesus."
  • Sundi once disappeared for a period of three months. He only reemerged after many failed manhunts and international missing persons claims came up fruitless and all hope was lost. When asked where he had been, Sundi recounted an epic tale of traveling to the Polish countryside to live as a peasant subsistence farmer. These claims are suspect; police records and the madams of several prominent brothels in Japan claim that the global online producer was merely locked in a prostitute's closet for three months, avoiding dehydration by drinking sexual lubricants and the contents of various unmarked containers that may or may not be linked to his subsequent growth of vestigial T-rex arms.
  • Before being employed by Square-Enix, Sundi posed as a woman in order to join the convent and quote: "Expose their dirty jew lies." His plan fell apart when a fellow nun scientifically debunked Sundi's claim that a female possessing male genitalia was a sign of a personal encounter with the Holy Spirit.
  • The monster design for Heraldic Imps in FFXI are modeled after Sundi's underdeveloped conjoined twin attached to his inner thigh. Though the unfortunate twin is generally thought to be dead, Sundi has been known to have heated conversations with himself when alone in his office, leading to rampant speculation.
  • Sundi once had a kickboxing match with 20 starved roosters at once. Though he was unable to sell any tickets (the proceeds were going to go towards the surgical removal of his vestigal T-rex arms), Sundi proceeded with the fight. The sole eye witness to this event claims that Sundi "fought like a demon" and "used the dismembered roosters like a big game of Mr. Potato Head." The validity of this claim is suspect, many assert that the life sized statue of American Vice President Richard Cheney made entirely of rotting rooster flesh in Sundi's office was a commissioned art work done by a prominent Tokyo based sculptor.
  • Sage Sundi is known to keep a list of people whom he says are "naughty or nice." It is unclear how the names are selected or by what criteria Sundi judges them, but persons rumored to be on the list receive an unmarked box filled with rusted nails and the shards of Tupac CDs every December 26th.
  • Sundi claims his birth mother is a Idea blanchardi morosiana butterfly. However, many experts assert that this it not true, insisting that Sundi was hatched and is the sole survivor of a rare genetically engineered species of sentient velociraptors. They point to the large claw-like appendage attached to Sundi's left foot as evidence, but Sundi himself claims that the claw is his own device and is merely for quote: "Gouging the eyes of the midget conspirators."
  • Sundi and pop star Michael Jackson have a bitter rivalry after the former was soundly defeated in a 1987 dance-off in the subways of New York City. Sundi has been quoted several times on the rivalry, most notably when asked about Jackson's aquisition of the skeleton of Joseph "The Elephant Man" Merrick. "When [Jackson] dies, I will buy his skeleton. We'll see who's the real king of Pop then, won't we?"
  • Sage Sundi was at one time a very successful male model. His patent 'looks' such as "Red Ferrari" and "la Panthera tigris" earned him great international fame. He left the modeling business suddenly in 1990, claiming overwhelming grief at the tragic deaths of his three closest friends in a freak gasoline fight accident. The friends he cited are actually all still alive, sources close to Sundi have suggested that he may have simply forgotten them.
  • Sundi once got into a fist fight with U2 front man and Nobel Peace Prize winner Bono. The cause of the confrontation is unclear, but it's rumored that Sundi has one of Bono's bicuspids in a glass case in his home as a battle trophy.
  • Sundi was once hailed as a genius thespian after his surprise performance in a play written by a prominent Kyoto based playwright. Sundi portrayed a man stricken with permanent amnesia to overwhelming critical acclaim. Strangely, Sundi's name did not appear on the program for that evening's performance and no one announced the usage of an understudy for the billed performer, Ruito Aoyagi. Coincidentally, Ruito Aoyagi was found later that evening bound and gaged in the closet of his dressing room. Sundi was a primary suspect, but the charges were dropped by the chief of police, who was rumored to be in the audience that night and moved to childlike tears by Sundi's convincing performance.
  • On the weekends, Sage Sundi is the leader of a Doomsday Cult called "The Coming Dawn." Cult members are not asked to give up material possessions. Instead, they are instructed to "forget" about their possessions and worldly concerns, possibly a euphemism for the alleged mass orgies held at their weekly meetings. Sundi refuses to confirm or deny the orgies, answering repeatedly with "I don't know."
  • The recent, much publicized congressional hearings involving American attorney general Alberto Gonzales were actually a ruse. The US State Department with White House approval covertly employed Sage Sundi and put him in intricate prosthetics to look like Mr. Gonzales. The use of a highly classified voice modifying device allowed Sundi to impersonate Mr. Gonzales throughout each congressional hearing.
  • It is rumored that Sundi is in possession of the much coveted secret as to why kids love the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Sundi claims not to know, but he has repeatedly avoided embarrassment at the hands of small cereal-crazed children without explanation.
  • During a recent trip to the dentist to have a cavity filled, it was found that a rare breed of extremely small teacup chihuahuas were living inside of Sundi's molar.
  • Sage Sundi may, in fact, know. Recent developments suggest that the Development team does not know.
    • It has been confirmed that Sundi does know, and what he knows is frightening.

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